jueves, 17 de noviembre de 2011

Thoughts on cross-cultural marriage

My friend Heidi recently started writing about her experiences in a cross-cultural marriage, (therealmodernfamily.wordpress.com) and it got me thinking on the subject. There is much to be said, but here are my thoughts today:

Finding friendships after you marry someone of another culture is often a puzzle to be solved. When two or more languages are involved, the puzzle is even more difficult to put together. I remember soon after we married, feeling like I had to pick sides when we got together with co-workers. Sit on the side of the room that was speaking Spanish, with my husband, or sneak over to the English speaking side? I always hated that I had to pick a side, and felt guilty if I picked English.

If we spent time with English speakers, Alex felt left out. And it wasn't just that he didn't understand words. Whole areas of experience and interest were not there to share. If we visit his family and Wounaan friends, I understand little. For a long time this intimidated me, but now I interject comments in Spanish, if I am following the conversation. Someday, I may be able to make my comments in Woun Meu. As I have learned more about the culture, it too, has become more comfortable. It reminds me of our favorite camping spot growing up, Clear Creek Crossing. Not at all home, but a place we loved to come back to.

Often, Spanish speaking friends have been the easiest to make. We both speak Spanish well, and though the culture is not home to either of us, it's a second home that we have grown comfortable in. Nothing needs to be translated, no one is left out, each confident to take on the friendship without depending on the other. And yet... still not totally home to either of us.

Some potential friendships died a premature death. At times I am sure it was my fault, perhaps a Panamanian couple that I had a hard time clicking with. Sometimes there were American couples that had a hard time connecting with Alex. Some just didn't know how to speak Spanish. Others perhaps, didn't want to make the effort. And some others, though they spoke Spanish fine, choose American friends instead. Sometimes, that hurt.

There were wonderful exceptions to the rule, like our friends John and Kristina. Originally from Alaska, they came to Panama eager to connect with Panamanians. I always felt as ease around them, like Alex's nationality and language wasn't an inconvenience, or a barrier, but an asset. They respected him, wanted to hear what he had to share. I never feel when I am around them that switching into Spanish is a chore.

And of course, there are other cross-cultural couples. Which should be more natural, but somehow, isn't. Because there are all sorts of variables. Like what language do they speak while together? Is the wife English speaking and the husband Spanish speaking, or vice versa? Do we share any interests other than our multi-cultural family experiments?

In spite of all this, the benefits are amazing. We have all sorts of friends. Our social life is like going to a potluck: a little bit of everything. The fun part has been learning to enjoy the varieties. There is nothing like getting together with a bunch of high-spirited Latinos, when somebody starts telling jokes. Or gathering around the homemade kerosene lantern at my in-laws house, and asking them to tell stories about the old days. Or our visits to Oregon, where Alex has experienced both snow and American culture.

Our lives have been broadened. WE have been broadened. We have been forced to become different, to look at life with different eyes. To understand others. To REALLY understand others. To open up new windows in our little worlds, and contemplate the view from someone else's window. I know I am better because of it.

1 comentario:

  1. Jen, I love your blog. I totally relate to the concept of having to "pick sides". What an awful, but real feeling. Like you and Alex, we have had the most luck with other couples/families who are also cross-cultural, which are sometimes harder to come by where we live.

    I remember this was especially difficult when we had recently arrived in the U.S. and Peter still didn't speak or understand a lot of English. It's a bit easier now, but our closest friends speak Spanish!

    And, you are right. We are all (baby included) better for our differences, even if they make life difficult at times.

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