Raising kids in between cultures

As I listen to other moms share their struggles, it seems that many, if not all moms struggle with the expectations of others.  We wrestle with what our family expects, what society expects, what our spouse excepts, and even expectations with have of ourselves. The big problem is when we fail in fulfilling those expectations.  They can begin to rule our lives.

While this is something I think that moms all over deal with, it's especially difficult for missionary moms, for two reasons.

One reason is the public nature of our work.  Lots of people know us, our whole job is connecting with people.

We have a large network of people involved in our lives (a big blessing) and a lot of people interested in what we are doing and where we are going, in life and in minstry. This can also get tricky.  While the great majority of those people are nothing but encouraging and supporting, some can add on a few more expectations. It's almost like walking by someone at the grocery store with their arms loaded with groceries, and stacking a few more things on top.

While it might be a simple question about us deciding to homeschool, or a challenge about risks that we take as a family, these can weigh on the mind of a mother who is already concerned about how she is doing as a parent.

If you happen to be living in a Christian community (like a YWAM base) you may have to deal with your family being under a microscope 24 hours a day.  Pretty soon it's feels like you are being judged for how your kids behave at the staff meeting, what they ate for dinner, how long they use a pacifier, and a thousand other parenting challenges every day. If you let it, it can drown you.

The second reason I think parenting is difficult for those of us living cross-culturally, is that we have not one but two societies loading us up with expectations.  For me, there is the American mindset, a complicated set of values that wants our kids to be safe (above all else) have a strong self esteem, eat organic foods, whole grains, no sugar... and on and on it goes.  Then we are living in a culture that will give our 6 month old baby a sucker to quiet her down, but criticize us because her hair is not perfectly combed.

I have to admit, this one is hard for me.  In Panama, little girls are expected to have their hair done up with every hair in place, a matching outfit (her hair bows and shoes should also match the outfit) every time she steps outside your yard. God forbid you let your three year old choose her own outfit, or give up after the third time she has ripped the bows out of her hair.

On the flip side, running around in their underwear is totally fine in your house and yard, and it would be perfectly acceptable for me to go out and rake the leaves up in my night gown.

My intent here isn't to criticize their values, just show how different two systems can be. In  the States, we celebrate children getting dirty as they explore life and have fun. Here, where getting dirty is a lot easier, parents fight it every step of the way (probably out of necessity).

I had to laugh when we returned from a fun camping trip while we were back in Oregon this past fall.  Our first stop after camping for two days was the bath tub for the girls.  I just sat there in the bathroom, shaking my head. After two days of playing in the dirt, eating hotdogs with their fingers and running around the forest, they were noticably cleaner than a normal day back home in Panama. I blame the sweat.  Some days the girls are just drenched in sweat, even from playing in the house, and every piece of dirt sticks to sweat.

Back to our subjcect, what do we do with all these expectations? Well, I haven't totally figured that out yet. What do YOU do?  I am guessing that at the root of the matter is obedience to God. Every decision we make can be criticized by someone.  Being a foreigner in a host country, I am always going to be different, no matter how good I get at making Arroz con pollo.  So I need to accept fact that and put my energy somewhere that really matters.  For example, in spending time before God asking him for the next step, for wisdom, for help in making all those parenting decisions that weigh on me, for patience and love, and how I should spend my days.

Although I know in my head that the only person I need to please all the time is God, walking that out can be complicated.  From what I hear other moms saying, I think most of us find it complicated.  Right now, all I can do is trust that my Shepherd knows where we are going and keep following.

How to, part 2

 

In my last post I talked about some ideas to help you take your kids along on outreach trips.  Most of it was practical, and there was one more point I wanted to make.

Overall, you need to believe that what you are doing matters, and YOU matter.  You are an important part of what God is doing on earth.  It doesn't matter if you spend a great portion of your time changing diapers, or taking toddlers to outhouses, or attempting to clean toddlers up after meals, with no available running water.  It doesn't matter if you don't ever show up for the "ministry activities".  It doesn't matter if the team wonders why you came along, or if your husband doesn't have time to or energy to thank you for your presence and affirm you.

You do matter.

Listen to God, and if he tells you to go, than go.  Go knowing that you are sent by him.

Sometimes you may see the fruit of your efforts, and sometimes not.  Your three year old may not say, "Gee mom, thanks for giving me this once in a lifetime opportunity that is expanding my world, teaching me compassion, and honing my Spanish skills."  But you have to believe (and I do to) that it's going to be worth it.

Maybe that woman who came up to talk to you would have been intimitated if it wasn't for the baby in your arms.  Maybe your hosts will be inspired by seeing a couple commited to making their marriage last.  Maybe a young mom will see an example in how your family interacts.  Maybe a couple contemplating going into ministry will see your example and believe it's possible.

And you may not see any of those things.  But you have to believe that if God called your family, and you, and your kids, then it is worth it.  You are worth it.  You are an important part of the team, even when they complain about the baby crying in the middle of the night, or get frustrated with your toddler's temper tantrum.  Even when YOU want to join in the crying, or just give up.

Especially when no one else is telling you this, you need to remember it.  God has called you, and that makes what you do worthy, important, even vital.  Believe that and you can get through anything.